At Work...what's new?

I realized my last couple blogs have not been very positive blogs so I have decided to write about positive stuff today. I'm at work feeling a bit under the weather because I took alka-seltzer to knock out a cold before it could start which proved to be a horrible idea. I had 'chocolate cake' last night and I feel guilty now. Chocolate is a horrible thing sometimes. My relationship with chocolate has been a strange love affair for many years. Which explains my ongoing fight with my acne, lol. I truly am addicted to chocolate, it's almost like weed for me. Now anytime I have something in my life that I enjoy doing a lot, I compare it to chocolate. Those who know me well know that there is one thing I can't let go of, which I dubbed chocolate cake. I never pass up chocolate cake unless i'm full, or sick.

Alone Time

I'm alone…finally.

 

It's always nice to spend some time with yourself. It's the best time to find out about you. It's also the best time to solve whichever problems you may be going through in your life. I have quickly realized how much issues are solved through silence and prayer. Interruptions are inevitable; especially when you live with your parents. That is why alone time is a hot commodity. It is rare for most people to have and sometimes missed or misused. Like right now. I spend my alone time typing, making sense of the many thoughts that flow in and out of my mind at rapid speeds.

 

I am a ball of shit right now.

 

I messed up so bad that I may have no way else to fix it but by joining the army. This seems like I can't even do that, because I failed the ASVAB. I want the opportunity to work for a friggin' company, but no one will give me a chance after the abrupt way I left Marriott because I trusted that my mother will have my back until I got employed. I was wrong. I forgot that the best isn't good enough if I still produce shitty grades. I won't be graduating with the best of them nor doing anything else remotely important for awhile because I messed up so badly. I messed up everywhere it counts in my life, and I am now alone on my own to fix it ALL. I am not complaining, but I am stating it. I have come to terms with it and am doing my damndest to get what I need to get done. I know that whatever decisions I make will be the best that I can make for right now. I don't really enjoy the fact that the army is my only good choice right now, which isn't much since I don't qualify in so many ways. I wish my mother would stop finding excuses as to why I am not doing well in life. I just feel like more of a failure that way. I know that giving up is not an option, because that would solidify the fact that I am a failure. I am not blaming my mother for my shortcomings, or my feelings right now, I'm just stating how her statements make me feel. So many damn things on my mind and I don't want to think about any of them. Everyone I talk to can sense the depression in my voice. I have not one happy bone in my body and I am the reason why. I did this to myself and have no one to blame but me. I am taking responsibility and applying to every single job I know that is out there. I'll be the garbage lady if I have to be. I am a hard worker and a dedicated worker and I pray to God that I get the chance to prove myself independent of my mother. She won't know this, but every dollar I save is going into moving out, and then my education. I will have to put it on the backburner only because I won't get any further in my life if I'm not out of this house. It always seems like life is a lot easier and more fun when you have control over it. I broke down crying at least four times writing this blog, but I'm happy I wrote it, because it has aired out a lot of the frustration that I've been dealing with lately. I know my period has a lot to do with this overflow of emotion, but shit, it's still true. I know that I will be hired soon, and I know that God is watching out for me and he will not put me through anything I can't handle. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track before it's really too late.

At work...Happy Fourth of Friggin' July!!!

dammit, i have two more friggin' hours. I only don't like work when I don't have much to do. I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. and thats for a real full time type job, not a 12 hour/week job. that would make it kind of un-fun. but unless i was getting paid $400/hour i would work twelve hours a week, and brag for hours about it. but unfortunately I live in the real world. and in this world, we work long, hard, treacherous hours and squeeze out pennies each week compared to the amount of work one does to earn it. It's the beauty of life, love, and the pursuit of happyness...lol. Right now, i'm truly hoping I get the job that I have the interview for tomorrow morning, so far a lot of my friends have been hired by this company, and I hope I can be one of them. it's sucks when you don't have a real job to talk about. I also know that you have to be careful what you wish for. because anything that i decide to do for a living is going to be for long term to the point where i will grow so muich in that company that they will have my picture on every brochure that comes out...even the pens.

I know, i'm pushing it.

But I can't help it, I have been officially unemployed for the first half of 2007. Every year I end it with a job, and start the new year without one. I haven't worked through a black friday in so long, I don't remember what it feels like at this point. Hopefully, I won't be working a black friday in retail but in hospitality or Public Relations. which would work well with retail, but honestly, they don't have as good benefits as a hotel or cruise branch could offer. I don't really know what my goals are for the future right now, but I just know that i'm graduating college on time. I never needed this job more than now, and that's only because I have the responsibility of paying for everything in my life now. I will accept these new circumstances whole heartedly because I look at this as a lesson in all things adulthood. I'm 21, and frankly I need a good kick in my ass to do what I have to do.

This medication is trying to shut me down.

I took pain killers for my favorite monthly activity and past time. It definitely makes me drowsy, and I definitely didn't use the window earlier today at my mother's request to go downstairs for no friggin' reason. I ended up staying awake till I had to come to work tonight till 1 a.m. I am not sure exactly how i'm going to stay awake enough to get home to get enough sleep for the interview tomorrow, but I am going to have to work this somehow. My typing skills have become very bad over time. I am unsure how many words I type a minute, but I don't think it's thirty anymore. I am a backspacing queen over here.

I'm listening to 50 cent on a reggae station.

What exactly has the world come to? I think that is why I have gotten really tired. Cuz the music is slow r&bish type business. The man called in for jah cure, and yet we the listeners are hearing musiq. Now, there is nothing wrong with musiq soulchild, but there is something wrong with musiq being played on this radio station. But then again I really like this song so it can pass, lol. Really, why do people not like 'buddy'? I'm going to be honest. I have had a 'buddy', it didnt' end well, but I had one. It is an inevitable part of nature for the average human being...or average man, women don't like to admit things like that; society said so. But really, why is it such a taboo to have a 'buddy' when you're in college? We're not adults just yet, and we're not kids either. So some of us are not looking for relationships, but relations, and others are looking to get married right now. I don't really mess with people who have that agenda, that scares me a little. but I do understand that the buddy experience is not a bad one, only when feelings get involved, then one may have a problem.

I really feel like i'm listening to Power 96 instead of Riddims 94.5.

Everything about what the D.J. is doing sounds like he came from power 96 two hours earlier. No big. He just won't have a lot of listeners right now. One more hour until I get out. I truly want to sleep and get ready for this interview.

At Everglades...the desk, not the park.

Sometimes I wonder wether or not they named this housing facility Everglades because of the immense amount of mosquitoes and flies that seem to find it's way in and out of this building. I have come home countless number of times with random bug bites and red marks from scratching. This fact is the only bad thing about this desk. I truly enjoy my job. I probably would only hate it if I had more hours and still the same nothing to do. Eight hours at this desk would be like the excruciating eight hours at my night shift. Only difference, I have a periodic list of duties to attend to that keep me busy throughout the night, and I can sleep. here, i just sit and look pretty to all the unexpecting passerbyers; quite fun if you think of it. I also would enjoy my job more if they paid me more unnecessarily for no apparent reason. That usually is the reason for me to want to enjoy most jobs I work at.



It seems the best way for me to make time to go by faster is when I write these blog about absolutely nothing. That usually gets the juices flowing. I am in my 'deep thinker' mode. This usually means I have seen someone do something that the general public has seen before and decided that it was worth a discussion. Much like the show Seinfeld, only these are the subjects Jerry removed from the repetoire. Actually, it seems that i forgot my topic to begin with and this looks like the topic i'm talking about. or maybe i shouldn't write until I have something meaningful to say.