3 weeks

It seems my faith is being tested by God. For the past three weeks all I am faced with is rejection, failure, and way too much stress. Honestly, it is every single day I wake up in the morning, thanking God for another day, feeling optimistic and keeping a positive outlook. Unfortunately, SOMEONE has to eff it all up. SOMEONE has to make the day a shitstorm of hold music, useless, information, careless mistakes, and straight stupidity. Something about these past three weeks seems like a test for the coveted real world. The one no-mans land that will chew you up and spit you out and prove the statement "life's a bitch." This is my last year in college and I fully intend on getting nothing but A's and B's but how can one achieve that when they can barely make it to class because of one problem and silly mistake after the other? Those are called excuses, if I really wanted to go to class, I would get to class no matter the extenuating circumstances like lack of transportation or whatnot. I at least turn in all my assignments on time so far, but to me, that is not enough. I need to do more and know more about what is going on in my classes. Last week was the time for that, but last week was also the time for financial aid to ruin my life and renew it all in one day. After that, everything should be fine, but if it's not school, it's home. Home, right now, is not where the heart is. Home is where the leftover stress is. My mother means well, she really does, but she adds to the stress and demands of a 17 credit schedule. On top of everything else, she chose to move to a house 30 minutes away from a campus i barely attend, and a hour away from where all my classes are. So making it home every single night is a bit of a stretch and I feel at the age of 23, making it home isn't a necessity either. Unfortunately, we do not share these views, so the compromise is to make sure to be home when I say I will be home. Not as hard as it seems, until your ride falls through, and there isn't enough gas or money to cover the other engagements in your calendar, and financial aid reinstates only half the money they cancelled. Surprisingly, this change of plans does not bother my mother. What seems to bother her is my lack of availability for HER problems. I can't come home in time to pick up HER houseguest from school (which she is unable to pick up because she had a bad day) and am only unable after trying to get there in time to do so. I also agree to take the envelope to the post office, but do inform her that I am handling a number of my own issues the next day and it would be much easier on me if she were to handle her own issues this time around....apparently, I said something wrong. God wants me to put even more faith in him than the before. He is showing me this by throwing a thousand curve-balls my way from every angle and aspect of my life. *sigh* I will continue praying and continue trusting his plan for me, because I don't think I have any other options right now.

So you thought you could dance...I guess not

Top Twenty perform for the first time. Mary Murphy should really ration those screams for those who matter. Besides, her screaming might ruin her beautiful Botox smile.



As expected, the choreographers put out their best stuff for the first episode. The first genre was a hip hop routine by "Tabither and Napolean" to Ne-Yo's "mad". Dancers Phillip and Jenine started the night off right. No one expected her to hold her own as well as she did. Phillip, a home-trained popper, danced in the shows finale last season...and was not a top twenty dancer. Needless to say expectations were met, and the night seemed to be on a higher note than expected. With the exception of Wade Robson's Crash Test dummy piece...I mean, seriously? I am glad the audience loved Kapono so much to not vote him off for a choreographer's mistake, that was really big of them. But, if Wade wants to keep his job, he will have to stop giving into his needy wife and choreographing whatever she thinks....her mind is not a sane place.




Other performances that were weaker than the choreography were Haitian sensation Vitolio and his Asian salsa partner Asuka's broadway routine. Before we get into the routine, lets stop for a minute and think about the couple itself. I understand that there is a lot of thought that goes into partner choosing. However, who thought it made sense to put Asuka and Vitolio together? The mere fact that she's an Asian salsa dancer raises eyebrows. Putting her with extra friendly over-emotional Vitolio, that surely sparks major chemistry...or not.

What made Asuka and Vitolio's dancing so bad was that they were forcing the cheesiness of broadway more than it normally needed. They looked like the kids in Drama class that are there for the fine arts credit and will do just enough to get an A because they're perfectionists, but not enough to impress anybody of importance because that would be too much work. Well, it worked, and they did not get the coveted scream from Ms. Murphy. Although we couldn't tell, she frowned at the hopeful couple at the end, calling it 'just good'.





Tony and Paris' routine would have been so much nicer if Twitch and Comfort from last season did it. They danced to a funky, hardcore remix of Black Eyed Peas "Boom, Boom, Pow" The only reason it sucked was because he reminded me of Vanilla Ice. Judge Adam Shankman said that the couple danced 'mushy'. He was being nice. They looked like the people who take hip hop lessons for the first time. Honestly, it would have been better if their wardrobe wasn't so corny. It was a space age red and black creation that did not make much sense. No one was sad to see them voted off, or shocked for that matter...They sucked before they got to the top 20 anyway.



My expectations for next episode are to see more emotion on Ashka's face, and the next two obvious couples to go home....that girl and the somewhat ballroom dancer guy....he particularly sucks booty.

Dead-End

7:00pm. I want to take my black ass home. Being paid to do nothing while i'm tortured by the presence of these whack ass people who do not matter in my life as I do not matter in theirs...is just wrong. The pay should be more with this fucking torture. Hell, this job sucks with or without something to do. Power trippers and power hunters breathing down my neck only shows me you clearly have nothing better do...and you didn't brush your teeth. The next time someone, anyone says something to me.....i'm going to silently grumble under my breath how much they pissed me off because I still recognize that I have bills to pay. But i'll be really mad nonetheless...It's sad. How I protect my money over my sanity. I sit in fear with other employees waiting to see my freedom papers....or pink slip. No one quits before they're fired, thats not smart in this recession era. I rather make a paper collage out of the write ups I was given during my tenure here until I reach the invisible limit. Or whenever they stop caring to see my face here anymore. How can an entire office know of my demise without me knowing anything...until the day of my demise. This is probably why co-workers would accuse you of lying to all your managers without you knowing about the accusation. That makes sense....or does it? It's too easy to ask why she can't mind her business...even if we have had minimal conversation throughout my time here. It's fine, Karma will kick her ass before mine...but when dammit???


Whatever, it's 7:30pm...damn!!

Memorial Day weekend....South Beach Style

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Hello Beautiful

She was the first black person to ever greet me without judgement in her face. She simply asked me my name, and confirmed her identity as the girl my mother told me to look out for so I could have a 'friend on campus.' She didn't seem mean, nice, or nonchalant, she was just there. Not knowing what to take from her personality, I held back from her, expecting the nasty 'ghetto girl' to arise at any moment criticizing my speech pattern. For the past four years, she never did, she only celebrated my love of life and randomivity. Gave me confidence that I was actually pretty. So, why wouldn't I tell her story? I already knew going in to this friendship that she was ill. I never knew someone with Cancer, never knew what it looked like, acted like, or sounded like. She was nothing like the Cancer patients on TV. She wasn't athletic; Olympic dreams in her midst. Wasn't talented, couldn't sing even if she tried. But she was something...sooo damn fly! She walked as if she owned our high school. Her skinny body created hips and twists that wouldn't normally exist on anybody. Her beautiful smile and over the top attitude gave people comfort, and drew them closer. She was the definition of amazing. Never speaking about her illness, just knowing. ONly hearing updates from friends and family, and wondering why she wasn't laying up in some bed losing her mind, depressed and waiting for death. She told me once, that there was no reason to fear death, because it was inevitable. Death is a reality for everyone, and whenever it was her time to go, she will have to accept it. I couldn't understand that strength until I was faced with my own tragedies. I only had to figure out how life worked by watching hers. Within 22 years, she was able to find the love of her life, accomplish more than most black people accomplish in groups, and inspire many; but mostly me. It wasn't until after she phoned me letting me know that she has acute lymphoblastic leukemia where I learned her inspirations, fears, and goals. All I knew was the tough, good natured exterior that she created for the world to see, and left the rest for special some-bodies....not including me. It felt as if it was my duty. To use the very things about me she celebrated and made them good for her. "shaving your head may not look bad, just wear the big earrings like Inida Arie, and head wraps and rock that shit like you own it!" Seeing her repeatedly, updating her on my life, and talking mindless nonsense just to keep her mind off of the bullshit running through her veins. Our conversations never being so short before, I began to feel fearful and uncomfortable. I got wrapped up in the bullshit world around me that I only became a phone call...every month or so. I left her; by herself. The very thing I vowed never to do the first 7 months of her horrific journey. And then, almost as punishment, I received a message of it not being what it was supposed to be...a success story. Worrying more about myself and gas prices, I called her to make sure she was okay. Not realizing that it was the last phone conversation we would have for the rest of our lives. Her mortality had somehow become a joke to me. All I want to say to her is I'M SORRY. I can't should have, would have you, so i'll just hold you. IN my memories for the rest of my life. You took my optimism from me, and I know that makes you mad. I was the other side of you without a reason to force a laugh. You left behind a bevy of people who can only remember your thoughts. You taught me excuses were unnecessary before Obama and after my Momma. I know that this would hurt worse if I transferred our freshman year. But either way, it hurts. Crying over you is all I can do, because you did nothing to deserve this and yet, I still trust God and the decisions he makes. If I don't, I won't be able to stand much longer. TICHELLE I KNOW YOU HEAR ME. I can't be selfish and bring you back to me like I was selfish in pushing you away. No matter what, who, when, where and why...My Girl, you ARE sooo damn fly. Typing with more fury than this Macbook can take, I think back to that beautiful message and smile. "Hello, Beautiful!"

Break-time

What the hell is the purpose of a break in a relationship? there are no breaks in marriages, so why break now? Does that mean you can't handle the heat, or that you shouldn't be together in the first place? Honestly, all that you're doing is giving each other space. Spending so much time together in such a small space causes that I guess. Relationships are not for the light-hearted. Nor the impatient. It takes work, patience, and focus; and frankly, some people don't have that. 

Mac is life

This is my first blog on my new Macbook. A year ago, owning a Mac was the furthest thing from my mind. Now, all I look forward too in my day is to sit and do mindless nothing on my Mac. I'm not a PC vs. Mac person, I still enjoy the "i'm a PC, and I sell fish" line. However, I am slowly beginning to realize that mac is life. Better yet, as Phalan says, Mac is a lifestyle. After about a week of being on my oh, so, sexy Laptop, I realize that once you go Mac, you never go back. lol. But seriously, if you can afford it, make the investment. The dummy proof nature of a Mac is almost refreshing. I don't have to worry about anything happening to my laptop, and that makes me feel almost safe. I'm not a computer geek or very knowledgeable about technology as a whole. So yes, the aesthetics of a Mac do entice me a bit. But, I can't deny that the exclusivity of owning a Mac makes me feel like i'm apart of a secret society. Honestly, if I didn't have other Mac-crazed friends, I would never enjoy this system as much as I do. They have found all the inner workings that can enhance my Mac experience, and I appreciate them for that. I am trying very hard to figure out how my school day went without this laptop, and I only had it for about a week....lol. A misconception was made about Macbook owners by my friend once. He said that they sit in the middle of Starbucks with their mocha latte's blogging about their philosophy on the cracker and it's impact on society...obviously un-true. I'm blogging in my friends apartment hungry, and describing this wonderful new experience. Much different. Either way, it is one of the best decisions I have made in a long time, and I will not regret it for as long as I...and my Macbook...lives.

To Move or not...so many questions

I'm an adult. I now make decisions for the long term and get stuck at a crossroads. to move or not to move? Its so funny how when the chance to move out finally comes your way, all the responsibiltiy and money begin to scare you a great deal. I was like most my age; can't wait to get out of my mother's house, make my own money, and pay my own bills. Finally the chance to achieve all of that surfaces and i'm too scared to move and lose my job so i would have to come back home. The worst feeling on earth is to move out and have a small taste of freedom to then move back home. Although quite common, it is not a great feeling and I dont' want to experience it. The choice seems so easy, but yet it's not, because unless I can move out for free until I get a more stable job situation, i'm stuck wondering if i should move out or if i should live for free for a few months, get fired, then move back home at the end of the semester...the world has gone mad! But the decision has to be made, and none of it can include living with my mother. I will have to do whatever it takes to not get fired, and pay my own way in my own place. It's my dream, and I should do whatever it takes to achieve that dream. Too bad I don't know how to do it just yet. I guess this is the risks that are apart of life that we as adults must take in order to get through the tough times or what not. Whatever, i'm going to find a healthy balance sooner or later... hopefully sooner so I can handle my personal problems.... like the relationships in my life. ;)

The Ex-Effect...revised

I guess it's called the ex-effect. Seeing someone that you once had history with create history with someone new can make one quite territorial. I never understood it. What about an ex-effect with someone who doesn't have someone new... but you do? what would that be called.....the ex-back effect? or the selfish ex-effect? That clearly shows how much people do not know what they want in life. Romantic relationships are generally very confusing, which is why they generally fail for most people. Here is the real question. Is it out of sight, out of mind whenever one has a significant other but is still emotionally invested in their ex? Or, is it a situation of not knowing what you want.....I truly believe it's both. You know who you want, but you can't have who you want every day of the hour, which causes the selfish ex-effect or out of sight, out of mind. But who suffers the most in this; the ex, or the significant other? Like I said in an earlier blog, the people who suffer the most in relationships are the ones that are dealing with those who don't know what they want... All of this is just a bunch of unanswered questions that will be solved once all figured out...