Hello Beautiful

She was the first black person to ever greet me without judgement in her face. She simply asked me my name, and confirmed her identity as the girl my mother told me to look out for so I could have a 'friend on campus.' She didn't seem mean, nice, or nonchalant, she was just there. Not knowing what to take from her personality, I held back from her, expecting the nasty 'ghetto girl' to arise at any moment criticizing my speech pattern. For the past four years, she never did, she only celebrated my love of life and randomivity. Gave me confidence that I was actually pretty. So, why wouldn't I tell her story? I already knew going in to this friendship that she was ill. I never knew someone with Cancer, never knew what it looked like, acted like, or sounded like. She was nothing like the Cancer patients on TV. She wasn't athletic; Olympic dreams in her midst. Wasn't talented, couldn't sing even if she tried. But she was something...sooo damn fly! She walked as if she owned our high school. Her skinny body created hips and twists that wouldn't normally exist on anybody. Her beautiful smile and over the top attitude gave people comfort, and drew them closer. She was the definition of amazing. Never speaking about her illness, just knowing. ONly hearing updates from friends and family, and wondering why she wasn't laying up in some bed losing her mind, depressed and waiting for death. She told me once, that there was no reason to fear death, because it was inevitable. Death is a reality for everyone, and whenever it was her time to go, she will have to accept it. I couldn't understand that strength until I was faced with my own tragedies. I only had to figure out how life worked by watching hers. Within 22 years, she was able to find the love of her life, accomplish more than most black people accomplish in groups, and inspire many; but mostly me. It wasn't until after she phoned me letting me know that she has acute lymphoblastic leukemia where I learned her inspirations, fears, and goals. All I knew was the tough, good natured exterior that she created for the world to see, and left the rest for special some-bodies....not including me. It felt as if it was my duty. To use the very things about me she celebrated and made them good for her. "shaving your head may not look bad, just wear the big earrings like Inida Arie, and head wraps and rock that shit like you own it!" Seeing her repeatedly, updating her on my life, and talking mindless nonsense just to keep her mind off of the bullshit running through her veins. Our conversations never being so short before, I began to feel fearful and uncomfortable. I got wrapped up in the bullshit world around me that I only became a phone call...every month or so. I left her; by herself. The very thing I vowed never to do the first 7 months of her horrific journey. And then, almost as punishment, I received a message of it not being what it was supposed to be...a success story. Worrying more about myself and gas prices, I called her to make sure she was okay. Not realizing that it was the last phone conversation we would have for the rest of our lives. Her mortality had somehow become a joke to me. All I want to say to her is I'M SORRY. I can't should have, would have you, so i'll just hold you. IN my memories for the rest of my life. You took my optimism from me, and I know that makes you mad. I was the other side of you without a reason to force a laugh. You left behind a bevy of people who can only remember your thoughts. You taught me excuses were unnecessary before Obama and after my Momma. I know that this would hurt worse if I transferred our freshman year. But either way, it hurts. Crying over you is all I can do, because you did nothing to deserve this and yet, I still trust God and the decisions he makes. If I don't, I won't be able to stand much longer. TICHELLE I KNOW YOU HEAR ME. I can't be selfish and bring you back to me like I was selfish in pushing you away. No matter what, who, when, where and why...My Girl, you ARE sooo damn fly. Typing with more fury than this Macbook can take, I think back to that beautiful message and smile. "Hello, Beautiful!"