MY…space

I thought MySpace was a reflection of you? That facebook was a reflection of your face? Why has it become something for your friends to see? Why do we look at pics of ourselves and like them enough to post online because we know that it will be acceptable to our friends…for what reason do we do these things? I must say, that I was very uninterested with facebook and MySpace in their beginning stages. (I also feel really old, since I've been around and a member since its inception…) I did not enjoy sitting on a computer filling out a million facts about myself for my friends who already knew about these things to read. So I let my friend fill them out for me. Most of that information has been changed, due to the addictive nature of the website, especially in my freshman year. I would really like to know what college would be like without the claws of facebook. It's a new friggin' e-mail like the e-mail wasn't enough to replace our verbal social skills…but that is not the reason for my rant. The reason is a general one that includes all of these social technology tools. The cell phone, internet; all replacements for our mouths. Only thing our mouths do now is talk about what we've read or seen just a few minutes before to our friend who has seen the same exact, senseless thing as well. I realized the replacement mechanism when I explained to a friend to call his significant other if he wanted to patch things up. Let's not focus on the fact that he didn't know her number by heart, but focus on that him texted her instead. A text message is like writing a letter in shorthand. It is the most impersonal way to contact someone. I have seen so many times people get angry about a missed text or an unanswered text. I have missed seventeen million texts, because they are just texts, so therefore I can just return the call. But we are a different breed. We ask questions that are relevant to the now, and therefore if we text a question, it must be answered immediately. I have sent a million texts in the past half hour, if it isn't answered, I take solace in the fact that they might be just like me, and not see it. They will answer later or call, or nothing at all. But it wasn't that important for me to call, so therefore it's not that important for me to get a reply. If it's the coveted text message convo, the back and forth rambling of stuff, then that is when it is time to return a text with a telephone ring. Unless you are unable to, there is no excuse why you are using your thumbs to primarily communicate something to someone you can easily say it to. It used to be how we wait for the voicemail so we can say everything without conversation, but now, it's just a text. And it must be answered with the two letter response of o.k. or np (no prob, I just learned that myself) otherwise the whole world will end if you do not know that they received the text and read it. These technological advances have not advanced anything but how we relate to each other. Honestly, I believe that these 'advances' have ruined relationships as a whole. But then again, I'm not perfect; I use text as a way to reach out every once in awhile. I even use facebook to let people know I'm thinking of them by doing an occasional wall post. I'm not going to lie, a few profile pictures have rubbed me the wrong way, and even a few photo album photos raise questions. But I've improved a great deal. Maybe it's because I used to major in communications and I strongly believe in communicating. I thing we as people should talk about our feelings, say what is on our minds, and stop using facebook and MySpace to do the hard work for us. I know it shall be hard, but it's worth it trust me. I would be reaching if I said read a book, but that's for another time.

Summer 07’… thank God it’s over!!

Carnival time is here again! My summer is finally tying itself together, only it took too long! Lol. I got a job at the beginning of August, I got carnival at the middle of October, and I have finally got over some small relationship related humps. I'm a confident, carefree, free agent. I'm actually happy with myself and my status at this point. I wouldn't mind someone changing it, but I'm not settling either. The next guy better go big or go home, lol. I'm completely ready for the obstacles of the fall. I won't be taking any classes this semester, mostly for myself and because I'm broke. But honestly, I need the break. I'm going to work, and enjoy my youth for these next three months. I have a cruise with my family coming up, and I'm totally ecstatic…one because I've never been on a cruise before, and because I'll be cruising with the company that I start work for in a few weeks. With the guidance of God anything is possible this season, and I'm ready for it. I have some major plans for my future and I know that it may take time, but the theme of these next few months will have to be patience. I don't think there is any other way to get what I want without working for it, and taking how ever long it takes to get it. After all this time, I deserve it. I have a second walkthrough with the new house tomorrow, and then I have the closing on Friday. I'm ecstatic to move into my enormous bedroom, and use my somewhat walk-in closet, lol. I just want to see my mother happy; she deserves this house more than anybody else I know. This summer seems like the summer of experiences for everyone. There really is no other way to describe it. So many lessons were taught and learned this summer for me and my friends. I have experienced some of the most bizarre, sad, and happy things this summer, and have learned a lot from all of them. Sometimes I wonder why the summer is the time when people make and lose friends all at once. Although each year is unique in itself, I think it is safe to say that the year of 07' will go down in history for more than enough people. This year has made given me a lot to learn from whether I liked it or not. I don't really understand why lessons have to be learned the sad way as well as the happy way, but I guess it doesn't matter as long as they're learned.

Chillin in the sun

I'm not sure why I wanted to title my blog that, but it just seemed fitting. I'm sitting in my friend's house taking a break from the immense amount of work we were doing for the impending Miami Carnival. I wrote four different synopis on the different sections that go with good and evil and the garden that they lie in. I'm chilling with my homeboy vlad watching black snake moan wondering why sex must be overused in Hollywood. it's like we lost our creativity. I can't really wath movies like this, anyting in excess I can't watch because it just makes me feel all icky. I know that today's blog doesn't make as much sense as the others, but this is usually how I type when I'm feeling like I have too much on my brain. I love when I have days that I finish errands. It gives a sense of accomplishment and pride.



Okay, so it's august 22, and that night kind of ended really badly. I ended up sick and exhausted, hated the movie, and got into it with my mother. But all is well that ends well. The movie sucked cuz it used sex as the only way to communicate anything to the audience as if they were complete fools. And they used David Banner in it, and he's my husband. Shame...lol.

At Work...what's new?

I realized my last couple blogs have not been very positive blogs so I have decided to write about positive stuff today. I'm at work feeling a bit under the weather because I took alka-seltzer to knock out a cold before it could start which proved to be a horrible idea. I had 'chocolate cake' last night and I feel guilty now. Chocolate is a horrible thing sometimes. My relationship with chocolate has been a strange love affair for many years. Which explains my ongoing fight with my acne, lol. I truly am addicted to chocolate, it's almost like weed for me. Now anytime I have something in my life that I enjoy doing a lot, I compare it to chocolate. Those who know me well know that there is one thing I can't let go of, which I dubbed chocolate cake. I never pass up chocolate cake unless i'm full, or sick.

Alone Time

I'm alone…finally.

 

It's always nice to spend some time with yourself. It's the best time to find out about you. It's also the best time to solve whichever problems you may be going through in your life. I have quickly realized how much issues are solved through silence and prayer. Interruptions are inevitable; especially when you live with your parents. That is why alone time is a hot commodity. It is rare for most people to have and sometimes missed or misused. Like right now. I spend my alone time typing, making sense of the many thoughts that flow in and out of my mind at rapid speeds.

 

I am a ball of shit right now.

 

I messed up so bad that I may have no way else to fix it but by joining the army. This seems like I can't even do that, because I failed the ASVAB. I want the opportunity to work for a friggin' company, but no one will give me a chance after the abrupt way I left Marriott because I trusted that my mother will have my back until I got employed. I was wrong. I forgot that the best isn't good enough if I still produce shitty grades. I won't be graduating with the best of them nor doing anything else remotely important for awhile because I messed up so badly. I messed up everywhere it counts in my life, and I am now alone on my own to fix it ALL. I am not complaining, but I am stating it. I have come to terms with it and am doing my damndest to get what I need to get done. I know that whatever decisions I make will be the best that I can make for right now. I don't really enjoy the fact that the army is my only good choice right now, which isn't much since I don't qualify in so many ways. I wish my mother would stop finding excuses as to why I am not doing well in life. I just feel like more of a failure that way. I know that giving up is not an option, because that would solidify the fact that I am a failure. I am not blaming my mother for my shortcomings, or my feelings right now, I'm just stating how her statements make me feel. So many damn things on my mind and I don't want to think about any of them. Everyone I talk to can sense the depression in my voice. I have not one happy bone in my body and I am the reason why. I did this to myself and have no one to blame but me. I am taking responsibility and applying to every single job I know that is out there. I'll be the garbage lady if I have to be. I am a hard worker and a dedicated worker and I pray to God that I get the chance to prove myself independent of my mother. She won't know this, but every dollar I save is going into moving out, and then my education. I will have to put it on the backburner only because I won't get any further in my life if I'm not out of this house. It always seems like life is a lot easier and more fun when you have control over it. I broke down crying at least four times writing this blog, but I'm happy I wrote it, because it has aired out a lot of the frustration that I've been dealing with lately. I know my period has a lot to do with this overflow of emotion, but shit, it's still true. I know that I will be hired soon, and I know that God is watching out for me and he will not put me through anything I can't handle. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track before it's really too late.

At work...Happy Fourth of Friggin' July!!!

dammit, i have two more friggin' hours. I only don't like work when I don't have much to do. I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. and thats for a real full time type job, not a 12 hour/week job. that would make it kind of un-fun. but unless i was getting paid $400/hour i would work twelve hours a week, and brag for hours about it. but unfortunately I live in the real world. and in this world, we work long, hard, treacherous hours and squeeze out pennies each week compared to the amount of work one does to earn it. It's the beauty of life, love, and the pursuit of happyness...lol. Right now, i'm truly hoping I get the job that I have the interview for tomorrow morning, so far a lot of my friends have been hired by this company, and I hope I can be one of them. it's sucks when you don't have a real job to talk about. I also know that you have to be careful what you wish for. because anything that i decide to do for a living is going to be for long term to the point where i will grow so muich in that company that they will have my picture on every brochure that comes out...even the pens.

I know, i'm pushing it.

But I can't help it, I have been officially unemployed for the first half of 2007. Every year I end it with a job, and start the new year without one. I haven't worked through a black friday in so long, I don't remember what it feels like at this point. Hopefully, I won't be working a black friday in retail but in hospitality or Public Relations. which would work well with retail, but honestly, they don't have as good benefits as a hotel or cruise branch could offer. I don't really know what my goals are for the future right now, but I just know that i'm graduating college on time. I never needed this job more than now, and that's only because I have the responsibility of paying for everything in my life now. I will accept these new circumstances whole heartedly because I look at this as a lesson in all things adulthood. I'm 21, and frankly I need a good kick in my ass to do what I have to do.

This medication is trying to shut me down.

I took pain killers for my favorite monthly activity and past time. It definitely makes me drowsy, and I definitely didn't use the window earlier today at my mother's request to go downstairs for no friggin' reason. I ended up staying awake till I had to come to work tonight till 1 a.m. I am not sure exactly how i'm going to stay awake enough to get home to get enough sleep for the interview tomorrow, but I am going to have to work this somehow. My typing skills have become very bad over time. I am unsure how many words I type a minute, but I don't think it's thirty anymore. I am a backspacing queen over here.

I'm listening to 50 cent on a reggae station.

What exactly has the world come to? I think that is why I have gotten really tired. Cuz the music is slow r&bish type business. The man called in for jah cure, and yet we the listeners are hearing musiq. Now, there is nothing wrong with musiq soulchild, but there is something wrong with musiq being played on this radio station. But then again I really like this song so it can pass, lol. Really, why do people not like 'buddy'? I'm going to be honest. I have had a 'buddy', it didnt' end well, but I had one. It is an inevitable part of nature for the average human being...or average man, women don't like to admit things like that; society said so. But really, why is it such a taboo to have a 'buddy' when you're in college? We're not adults just yet, and we're not kids either. So some of us are not looking for relationships, but relations, and others are looking to get married right now. I don't really mess with people who have that agenda, that scares me a little. but I do understand that the buddy experience is not a bad one, only when feelings get involved, then one may have a problem.

I really feel like i'm listening to Power 96 instead of Riddims 94.5.

Everything about what the D.J. is doing sounds like he came from power 96 two hours earlier. No big. He just won't have a lot of listeners right now. One more hour until I get out. I truly want to sleep and get ready for this interview.

At Everglades...the desk, not the park.

Sometimes I wonder wether or not they named this housing facility Everglades because of the immense amount of mosquitoes and flies that seem to find it's way in and out of this building. I have come home countless number of times with random bug bites and red marks from scratching. This fact is the only bad thing about this desk. I truly enjoy my job. I probably would only hate it if I had more hours and still the same nothing to do. Eight hours at this desk would be like the excruciating eight hours at my night shift. Only difference, I have a periodic list of duties to attend to that keep me busy throughout the night, and I can sleep. here, i just sit and look pretty to all the unexpecting passerbyers; quite fun if you think of it. I also would enjoy my job more if they paid me more unnecessarily for no apparent reason. That usually is the reason for me to want to enjoy most jobs I work at.



It seems the best way for me to make time to go by faster is when I write these blog about absolutely nothing. That usually gets the juices flowing. I am in my 'deep thinker' mode. This usually means I have seen someone do something that the general public has seen before and decided that it was worth a discussion. Much like the show Seinfeld, only these are the subjects Jerry removed from the repetoire. Actually, it seems that i forgot my topic to begin with and this looks like the topic i'm talking about. or maybe i shouldn't write until I have something meaningful to say.

Random as hell…

I'm still unemployed.

VERY unemployed; which also means VERY broke… I don't have much to do these days and that sucks lots of booty. I'm a social person. I cannot sit in my house and look at the television all day. I strongly believe that T.V. will make one stupid by frying out all the brain cells we use regularly.

I'm awake.

I take Tylenol 3 everyday; twice a day. I took the damn pill this morning and slept most of the afternoon. I am now unable to sleep because I slept most of the afternoon. Something about being awake at odd hours makes me want to go out. I think it has something to do with living on campus for so many years. Usually at this time, we are sitting in the hallway/picnic table talking about absolutely nothing important to the world, or at a party/probate show thingy. I honestly don't know why it's so hard for me to stay and sit still at my house. I move too damn much.

I saw a blast from the past.

It's funny when you see someone from your past infiltrating your present, your flashbacks come with it. If it's someone like a boyfriend, or family friend it makes you feel really self conscious. For instance, I began to re-evaluate what I was wearing the time I was seen. I re-evaluate the things that person was wearing when seen. Then when you recognize the outfit as something extremely old, you start to pick at that very fact incessantly as a way to make yourself feel better, cuz that fact makes you look better than that person. Weird, I know.

It's 2:23 A.M…really nothing to say after that. Lol

I have finally passed the mark of time where I am able to take my Tylenol 3 a second time for the day. Hallelujah! So I will be getting some form of sleep in the next few minutes. I'm excited cuz I opened up a new blogging thingy on blogger, so I'm going to have more blogs like my last ones, cuz I realized that blogging clears my mind of all those different random thoughts that live in my head; and I have a lot of them.

Haadeeerrz!

Now, I know my title makes it seem like I'm being hated on…I'm not. Last Night's extravaganza gave me my inspiration. My summer vacation has begun, and I am starting it right. I've been Job hunting, Room Cleaning, and Club hopping; the most fun being the clubbing. Last night, I went to this siddity place called Ivy's next to Aventura mall and really enjoyed myself. I realized that very night that people are funny and I don't care. I meant funny in a fake way and I don't care in a…well exactly how I mean it. I try to learn something about myself to improve upon each day I do it. For the past twelve years, I have tried to be quieter…Still no progress there, but its coming.

Anyway, I decided it would be nice to act stush for a few hours with my homies. I make the all too familiar drive to North Miami, pick up my friends and arrive at this small nook right behind Publix. We sit, eat, and have great, engaging conversation. I only ordered a drink; I ate before I came, and I'm broke, cheap, and this restaurant was made for the young adult ballerz…not struggling college student who can't spend her money properly. At the restaurant, I found that my new favorite drink is an Ocean martini, made up of Malibu Rum, Sprite, and something else, but I forgot.

Then, the fun begins.

I'm sure you are all thinking that I got drunk and acted a damn fool like I did at my birthday party…wrong! I definitely was sober, more sober than some of the men that were there with us. I was, in fact, the only female. So I was, in fact, getting a lot of attention from the majority of them…especially the drunk ones. Some were friendlier drunks than others. Due to my recent medical ailment, I cannot have as much fun with them as I would have on a normal day at the club. I honestly came there to just chill and act siddity with the rest of the community. Stuntin' like my daddy if you will. I didn't mind an occasional dance, (especially hot fuck and dutty wine) and one guy didn't mind to keep coming to me. Once the all too popular reggae genre is played he always sought me out. At one point he decided to demonstrate the 'slow dancing with your boo' movements at a reggae club…then I hear his frat brother say something a bit interesting. (I don't name names, it's not nice.)

"Look at whatshisface and Monique!"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why people are funny in a fake way. I usually expect that kind of behavior from a female, not a male. Now, I know I'm a big girl, which is why I realized to brush that shit off my shoulder. People who make hurtful comments against my size after trying to be my friend…and still trying to be my friend after saying things like that really have no respect from me. I'm not hurt by his comment. In fact, Monique is a gorgeous and voluptuous woman, who makes money off her confidence. Hell, call me Monique all day! But I am no fool, I know what he meant, and the fact that he's drunk doesn't ever excuse him….he doesn't know me and I don't know him, nor care to know him. After that first time, he kept repeating the funny joke to everyone around him that he knew. I don't know if he knew it, but I heard it every time…the consequences of being plastered. Many of you may think that I was horribly bothered and all that. But the incident really taught me my lesson for that day.

I don't give three fucks what he calls me, because no matter what it is, I'll be better than him in life…ALWAYS.

I know those are some strong words coming from me, but what else do you say when you have haaadeerz?! I know that I have a hater quota to fulfill, and I will fulfill it to the max dammit! The statement may not even come true; he may become my future boss. But if I don't believe it, who will? And if I don't live my life like that, then there is no success in my future regardless if I'm a size two or twelve. Although I have life lessons about myself that I try to improve upon, I'm still myself; that can't change.

*side note*

Soo, I understand that this whole dutty wine craze is real great and all, but seriously, can't a girl get a break? I honestly did not feel like wining dutty that night. To top off my initial embarrassment to the large amount of attention I was receiving, People were touching my not so touched up braids that were strategically pulled back to give off the look that they were fresh, when they were indeed spoiled, and needed to come out A.S.A.P! So I know the large amount of men who were shaking my hair and trying to get it out of its hair tie were disappointed to find that Nefertiti's hair was really made out of the stuff that brillo pads are made of. At least, that's what it feels like right now. The song comes on, and the men go crazy for me; every girl's fantasy, right? Wrong. They make a huge circle for me to go crazy in, and on any other healthy day I would jump at the chance; just not that day. The men behind me go for my ponytail, and I was mortified.

Let me explain

My hair is always kept in my head way past its expiration date. I'm lazy and I don't do things on time, so I tend to squeeze all life out of hairstyles till they look unbearable no matter what I do to it. My hair (with a strategically placed headband) can look good for now, just won't feel good. So one can imagine my mortification when someone attempts to shake my dreading hair and sees that these braids have long interlocked themselves and have formed three beautiful 'doo doo dreads' at the ends. No one can really tell, because like I said, I can create the look that they are fresh, as long as no one touches it. All in all I do the dance for a few seconds, and back out cuz it started to aggravate my ailment. I know men; they have a hard time paying attention to detail, so they just probably think it's supposed to be like that or something…or not. Now that this blog is written, I know I will have to take these suckers out tonight!

All in all, I had fun. I truly do enjoy the 21+ lounges, cuz it's not as crazy and crunk as the clubs I've been frequenting lately. I know I'll be back there again, and I'll really dance once this ailment is healed. Then I'll end up ruining the whole stushy vibe cuz I dutty wined my new and Improved weave off…lol.

The hardest part…

Don't know what to think right now.

I'm sitting at my computer at 12 a.m. in the morning, and I don't know what to think. These are the times that I usually pray. So much is happening all at once to so many people, including me. It's hard to think and place my thoughts on one person alone. I love my friends to a fault. I worry and pray for them more than myself. It's my number one attribute and fault that I have. I can't sleep, and I need to be up early to go to the hospital tomorrow to fix this stupid problem that came back to haunt me, but I keep worrying about the sanity and happiness of my friends around me. There's something about moving out of my dorm that makes me detached from the rest of the world. I think the main reason I stay home so much, (besides trying to appease my mother) is so I could hideaway from everything. There something about being upset or depressed that makes people crawl into a dark hole. I'm not saying I'm depressed, just have a lot on my mind. Can't pin point which to think about, or which to solve.

I can't control myself.

I have to help people no matter what I'm going through. I gave a friend a huge dose of reality without knowing it. Ruined the very Idea he looked forward to the majority of his college career…and I opened my big mouth and told the truth. I didn't even realize what my answer would do until I heard the rest of his story…Whoever said that 'truth hurts' sucks major ass. Who said we wanted to know? Lol. Another friend needs a shoulder but doesn't even have ten minutes to lean because the schedule is so hectic. It almost feels like I'm Stretch-Armstrong, and the gooey stuff inside me is leaking out cuz I stretched myself in too many directions. It's not that I'm being pulled, It's that I'm worrying and wanting to put myself there, knowing damn well I have my own shit to deal with.

I use my friend's grief to avoid my own.

Making another person feel better makes my problem less important, and less…I guess…real? Maybe that's why there's a lot on my mind. Because I'm never solving these issues, and they keep coming back, piling on each time until I burst.

The only tangible thing I can do is Pray. Pray for their safety and well-being; Pray for their sanity, and happiness.

Something I said to myself once is becoming more and more evident now…The hardest part about growing up is getting up.

It is 3 A.M…I lied

I told myself I was going to bed now...I was wrong. It's 3 A.M. and I'm sitting here messing with bloggy stuff. Who does that? Insane people, that's who. I could at least be watching my new favorite channel, HGTV, but nooooo. I'm doing the usual Facebook/MySpace/blogger stalky thing. It's not like the information changed the last five times I've checked it, but something in there makes me want to check it again. Boredom can really hurt someone. I see now why shows like jackass make it so big. They decided to showcase the things we adolescents do in our spare/bored time and made money off of that shit…Smart.

I honestly wish I could say that this blog was going to be profound and deep. However, it couldn't be further from that. It really is just what I do when I'm bored. I didn't even do anything exciting today and today was mother's day. Who doesn't do something on mother's day when you have a mother?! I would like to say in our defense, that we were told not to do anything but her hair so we spent time with her and watched a really old movie with Cary Grant.

Don't ask if her hair is done though.

The funnier part is that my mother deserved a bigger mother's day because she took me to the hospital today for my follow-up and she didn't have to. I actually wanted her to stay home and relax, but she had to be supermom and shit. I love her to no end. When (God willing) I get a job, she will be repaid nicely. I always do that if a present giving day is scarce due to funding. I bring her flowers for no reason at all, and I make cards and stuff. I'm like a sappy girlfriend, and I never do this type of shit for any boyfriend I've ever had…not that they would have cared.

Okay, I think I'm going to finally get up from this stupid chair and SLEEP. I truly think I've made friends with Microsoft Word. It seems like Word and Jesus are the two people/things that will listen to me rant and rave and not get agitated. I've never prayed longer than a few minutes, because I always lose my train of thought. Hence why I blog then pray. Everything is clear once I write a bunch of random thoughts onto computer. The world just feels better.

Peace and Hair Grease

Bootata