Alone Time

I'm alone…finally.

 

It's always nice to spend some time with yourself. It's the best time to find out about you. It's also the best time to solve whichever problems you may be going through in your life. I have quickly realized how much issues are solved through silence and prayer. Interruptions are inevitable; especially when you live with your parents. That is why alone time is a hot commodity. It is rare for most people to have and sometimes missed or misused. Like right now. I spend my alone time typing, making sense of the many thoughts that flow in and out of my mind at rapid speeds.

 

I am a ball of shit right now.

 

I messed up so bad that I may have no way else to fix it but by joining the army. This seems like I can't even do that, because I failed the ASVAB. I want the opportunity to work for a friggin' company, but no one will give me a chance after the abrupt way I left Marriott because I trusted that my mother will have my back until I got employed. I was wrong. I forgot that the best isn't good enough if I still produce shitty grades. I won't be graduating with the best of them nor doing anything else remotely important for awhile because I messed up so badly. I messed up everywhere it counts in my life, and I am now alone on my own to fix it ALL. I am not complaining, but I am stating it. I have come to terms with it and am doing my damndest to get what I need to get done. I know that whatever decisions I make will be the best that I can make for right now. I don't really enjoy the fact that the army is my only good choice right now, which isn't much since I don't qualify in so many ways. I wish my mother would stop finding excuses as to why I am not doing well in life. I just feel like more of a failure that way. I know that giving up is not an option, because that would solidify the fact that I am a failure. I am not blaming my mother for my shortcomings, or my feelings right now, I'm just stating how her statements make me feel. So many damn things on my mind and I don't want to think about any of them. Everyone I talk to can sense the depression in my voice. I have not one happy bone in my body and I am the reason why. I did this to myself and have no one to blame but me. I am taking responsibility and applying to every single job I know that is out there. I'll be the garbage lady if I have to be. I am a hard worker and a dedicated worker and I pray to God that I get the chance to prove myself independent of my mother. She won't know this, but every dollar I save is going into moving out, and then my education. I will have to put it on the backburner only because I won't get any further in my life if I'm not out of this house. It always seems like life is a lot easier and more fun when you have control over it. I broke down crying at least four times writing this blog, but I'm happy I wrote it, because it has aired out a lot of the frustration that I've been dealing with lately. I know my period has a lot to do with this overflow of emotion, but shit, it's still true. I know that I will be hired soon, and I know that God is watching out for me and he will not put me through anything I can't handle. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track before it's really too late.