At Work...what's new?

I realized my last couple blogs have not been very positive blogs so I have decided to write about positive stuff today. I'm at work feeling a bit under the weather because I took alka-seltzer to knock out a cold before it could start which proved to be a horrible idea. I had 'chocolate cake' last night and I feel guilty now. Chocolate is a horrible thing sometimes. My relationship with chocolate has been a strange love affair for many years. Which explains my ongoing fight with my acne, lol. I truly am addicted to chocolate, it's almost like weed for me. Now anytime I have something in my life that I enjoy doing a lot, I compare it to chocolate. Those who know me well know that there is one thing I can't let go of, which I dubbed chocolate cake. I never pass up chocolate cake unless i'm full, or sick.

Alone Time

I'm alone…finally.

 

It's always nice to spend some time with yourself. It's the best time to find out about you. It's also the best time to solve whichever problems you may be going through in your life. I have quickly realized how much issues are solved through silence and prayer. Interruptions are inevitable; especially when you live with your parents. That is why alone time is a hot commodity. It is rare for most people to have and sometimes missed or misused. Like right now. I spend my alone time typing, making sense of the many thoughts that flow in and out of my mind at rapid speeds.

 

I am a ball of shit right now.

 

I messed up so bad that I may have no way else to fix it but by joining the army. This seems like I can't even do that, because I failed the ASVAB. I want the opportunity to work for a friggin' company, but no one will give me a chance after the abrupt way I left Marriott because I trusted that my mother will have my back until I got employed. I was wrong. I forgot that the best isn't good enough if I still produce shitty grades. I won't be graduating with the best of them nor doing anything else remotely important for awhile because I messed up so badly. I messed up everywhere it counts in my life, and I am now alone on my own to fix it ALL. I am not complaining, but I am stating it. I have come to terms with it and am doing my damndest to get what I need to get done. I know that whatever decisions I make will be the best that I can make for right now. I don't really enjoy the fact that the army is my only good choice right now, which isn't much since I don't qualify in so many ways. I wish my mother would stop finding excuses as to why I am not doing well in life. I just feel like more of a failure that way. I know that giving up is not an option, because that would solidify the fact that I am a failure. I am not blaming my mother for my shortcomings, or my feelings right now, I'm just stating how her statements make me feel. So many damn things on my mind and I don't want to think about any of them. Everyone I talk to can sense the depression in my voice. I have not one happy bone in my body and I am the reason why. I did this to myself and have no one to blame but me. I am taking responsibility and applying to every single job I know that is out there. I'll be the garbage lady if I have to be. I am a hard worker and a dedicated worker and I pray to God that I get the chance to prove myself independent of my mother. She won't know this, but every dollar I save is going into moving out, and then my education. I will have to put it on the backburner only because I won't get any further in my life if I'm not out of this house. It always seems like life is a lot easier and more fun when you have control over it. I broke down crying at least four times writing this blog, but I'm happy I wrote it, because it has aired out a lot of the frustration that I've been dealing with lately. I know my period has a lot to do with this overflow of emotion, but shit, it's still true. I know that I will be hired soon, and I know that God is watching out for me and he will not put me through anything I can't handle. I am going to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track before it's really too late.

At work...Happy Fourth of Friggin' July!!!

dammit, i have two more friggin' hours. I only don't like work when I don't have much to do. I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. and thats for a real full time type job, not a 12 hour/week job. that would make it kind of un-fun. but unless i was getting paid $400/hour i would work twelve hours a week, and brag for hours about it. but unfortunately I live in the real world. and in this world, we work long, hard, treacherous hours and squeeze out pennies each week compared to the amount of work one does to earn it. It's the beauty of life, love, and the pursuit of happyness...lol. Right now, i'm truly hoping I get the job that I have the interview for tomorrow morning, so far a lot of my friends have been hired by this company, and I hope I can be one of them. it's sucks when you don't have a real job to talk about. I also know that you have to be careful what you wish for. because anything that i decide to do for a living is going to be for long term to the point where i will grow so muich in that company that they will have my picture on every brochure that comes out...even the pens.

I know, i'm pushing it.

But I can't help it, I have been officially unemployed for the first half of 2007. Every year I end it with a job, and start the new year without one. I haven't worked through a black friday in so long, I don't remember what it feels like at this point. Hopefully, I won't be working a black friday in retail but in hospitality or Public Relations. which would work well with retail, but honestly, they don't have as good benefits as a hotel or cruise branch could offer. I don't really know what my goals are for the future right now, but I just know that i'm graduating college on time. I never needed this job more than now, and that's only because I have the responsibility of paying for everything in my life now. I will accept these new circumstances whole heartedly because I look at this as a lesson in all things adulthood. I'm 21, and frankly I need a good kick in my ass to do what I have to do.

This medication is trying to shut me down.

I took pain killers for my favorite monthly activity and past time. It definitely makes me drowsy, and I definitely didn't use the window earlier today at my mother's request to go downstairs for no friggin' reason. I ended up staying awake till I had to come to work tonight till 1 a.m. I am not sure exactly how i'm going to stay awake enough to get home to get enough sleep for the interview tomorrow, but I am going to have to work this somehow. My typing skills have become very bad over time. I am unsure how many words I type a minute, but I don't think it's thirty anymore. I am a backspacing queen over here.

I'm listening to 50 cent on a reggae station.

What exactly has the world come to? I think that is why I have gotten really tired. Cuz the music is slow r&bish type business. The man called in for jah cure, and yet we the listeners are hearing musiq. Now, there is nothing wrong with musiq soulchild, but there is something wrong with musiq being played on this radio station. But then again I really like this song so it can pass, lol. Really, why do people not like 'buddy'? I'm going to be honest. I have had a 'buddy', it didnt' end well, but I had one. It is an inevitable part of nature for the average human being...or average man, women don't like to admit things like that; society said so. But really, why is it such a taboo to have a 'buddy' when you're in college? We're not adults just yet, and we're not kids either. So some of us are not looking for relationships, but relations, and others are looking to get married right now. I don't really mess with people who have that agenda, that scares me a little. but I do understand that the buddy experience is not a bad one, only when feelings get involved, then one may have a problem.

I really feel like i'm listening to Power 96 instead of Riddims 94.5.

Everything about what the D.J. is doing sounds like he came from power 96 two hours earlier. No big. He just won't have a lot of listeners right now. One more hour until I get out. I truly want to sleep and get ready for this interview.

At Everglades...the desk, not the park.

Sometimes I wonder wether or not they named this housing facility Everglades because of the immense amount of mosquitoes and flies that seem to find it's way in and out of this building. I have come home countless number of times with random bug bites and red marks from scratching. This fact is the only bad thing about this desk. I truly enjoy my job. I probably would only hate it if I had more hours and still the same nothing to do. Eight hours at this desk would be like the excruciating eight hours at my night shift. Only difference, I have a periodic list of duties to attend to that keep me busy throughout the night, and I can sleep. here, i just sit and look pretty to all the unexpecting passerbyers; quite fun if you think of it. I also would enjoy my job more if they paid me more unnecessarily for no apparent reason. That usually is the reason for me to want to enjoy most jobs I work at.



It seems the best way for me to make time to go by faster is when I write these blog about absolutely nothing. That usually gets the juices flowing. I am in my 'deep thinker' mode. This usually means I have seen someone do something that the general public has seen before and decided that it was worth a discussion. Much like the show Seinfeld, only these are the subjects Jerry removed from the repetoire. Actually, it seems that i forgot my topic to begin with and this looks like the topic i'm talking about. or maybe i shouldn't write until I have something meaningful to say.

Random as hell…

I'm still unemployed.

VERY unemployed; which also means VERY broke… I don't have much to do these days and that sucks lots of booty. I'm a social person. I cannot sit in my house and look at the television all day. I strongly believe that T.V. will make one stupid by frying out all the brain cells we use regularly.

I'm awake.

I take Tylenol 3 everyday; twice a day. I took the damn pill this morning and slept most of the afternoon. I am now unable to sleep because I slept most of the afternoon. Something about being awake at odd hours makes me want to go out. I think it has something to do with living on campus for so many years. Usually at this time, we are sitting in the hallway/picnic table talking about absolutely nothing important to the world, or at a party/probate show thingy. I honestly don't know why it's so hard for me to stay and sit still at my house. I move too damn much.

I saw a blast from the past.

It's funny when you see someone from your past infiltrating your present, your flashbacks come with it. If it's someone like a boyfriend, or family friend it makes you feel really self conscious. For instance, I began to re-evaluate what I was wearing the time I was seen. I re-evaluate the things that person was wearing when seen. Then when you recognize the outfit as something extremely old, you start to pick at that very fact incessantly as a way to make yourself feel better, cuz that fact makes you look better than that person. Weird, I know.

It's 2:23 A.M…really nothing to say after that. Lol

I have finally passed the mark of time where I am able to take my Tylenol 3 a second time for the day. Hallelujah! So I will be getting some form of sleep in the next few minutes. I'm excited cuz I opened up a new blogging thingy on blogger, so I'm going to have more blogs like my last ones, cuz I realized that blogging clears my mind of all those different random thoughts that live in my head; and I have a lot of them.

Haadeeerrz!

Now, I know my title makes it seem like I'm being hated on…I'm not. Last Night's extravaganza gave me my inspiration. My summer vacation has begun, and I am starting it right. I've been Job hunting, Room Cleaning, and Club hopping; the most fun being the clubbing. Last night, I went to this siddity place called Ivy's next to Aventura mall and really enjoyed myself. I realized that very night that people are funny and I don't care. I meant funny in a fake way and I don't care in a…well exactly how I mean it. I try to learn something about myself to improve upon each day I do it. For the past twelve years, I have tried to be quieter…Still no progress there, but its coming.

Anyway, I decided it would be nice to act stush for a few hours with my homies. I make the all too familiar drive to North Miami, pick up my friends and arrive at this small nook right behind Publix. We sit, eat, and have great, engaging conversation. I only ordered a drink; I ate before I came, and I'm broke, cheap, and this restaurant was made for the young adult ballerz…not struggling college student who can't spend her money properly. At the restaurant, I found that my new favorite drink is an Ocean martini, made up of Malibu Rum, Sprite, and something else, but I forgot.

Then, the fun begins.

I'm sure you are all thinking that I got drunk and acted a damn fool like I did at my birthday party…wrong! I definitely was sober, more sober than some of the men that were there with us. I was, in fact, the only female. So I was, in fact, getting a lot of attention from the majority of them…especially the drunk ones. Some were friendlier drunks than others. Due to my recent medical ailment, I cannot have as much fun with them as I would have on a normal day at the club. I honestly came there to just chill and act siddity with the rest of the community. Stuntin' like my daddy if you will. I didn't mind an occasional dance, (especially hot fuck and dutty wine) and one guy didn't mind to keep coming to me. Once the all too popular reggae genre is played he always sought me out. At one point he decided to demonstrate the 'slow dancing with your boo' movements at a reggae club…then I hear his frat brother say something a bit interesting. (I don't name names, it's not nice.)

"Look at whatshisface and Monique!"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why people are funny in a fake way. I usually expect that kind of behavior from a female, not a male. Now, I know I'm a big girl, which is why I realized to brush that shit off my shoulder. People who make hurtful comments against my size after trying to be my friend…and still trying to be my friend after saying things like that really have no respect from me. I'm not hurt by his comment. In fact, Monique is a gorgeous and voluptuous woman, who makes money off her confidence. Hell, call me Monique all day! But I am no fool, I know what he meant, and the fact that he's drunk doesn't ever excuse him….he doesn't know me and I don't know him, nor care to know him. After that first time, he kept repeating the funny joke to everyone around him that he knew. I don't know if he knew it, but I heard it every time…the consequences of being plastered. Many of you may think that I was horribly bothered and all that. But the incident really taught me my lesson for that day.

I don't give three fucks what he calls me, because no matter what it is, I'll be better than him in life…ALWAYS.

I know those are some strong words coming from me, but what else do you say when you have haaadeerz?! I know that I have a hater quota to fulfill, and I will fulfill it to the max dammit! The statement may not even come true; he may become my future boss. But if I don't believe it, who will? And if I don't live my life like that, then there is no success in my future regardless if I'm a size two or twelve. Although I have life lessons about myself that I try to improve upon, I'm still myself; that can't change.

*side note*

Soo, I understand that this whole dutty wine craze is real great and all, but seriously, can't a girl get a break? I honestly did not feel like wining dutty that night. To top off my initial embarrassment to the large amount of attention I was receiving, People were touching my not so touched up braids that were strategically pulled back to give off the look that they were fresh, when they were indeed spoiled, and needed to come out A.S.A.P! So I know the large amount of men who were shaking my hair and trying to get it out of its hair tie were disappointed to find that Nefertiti's hair was really made out of the stuff that brillo pads are made of. At least, that's what it feels like right now. The song comes on, and the men go crazy for me; every girl's fantasy, right? Wrong. They make a huge circle for me to go crazy in, and on any other healthy day I would jump at the chance; just not that day. The men behind me go for my ponytail, and I was mortified.

Let me explain

My hair is always kept in my head way past its expiration date. I'm lazy and I don't do things on time, so I tend to squeeze all life out of hairstyles till they look unbearable no matter what I do to it. My hair (with a strategically placed headband) can look good for now, just won't feel good. So one can imagine my mortification when someone attempts to shake my dreading hair and sees that these braids have long interlocked themselves and have formed three beautiful 'doo doo dreads' at the ends. No one can really tell, because like I said, I can create the look that they are fresh, as long as no one touches it. All in all I do the dance for a few seconds, and back out cuz it started to aggravate my ailment. I know men; they have a hard time paying attention to detail, so they just probably think it's supposed to be like that or something…or not. Now that this blog is written, I know I will have to take these suckers out tonight!

All in all, I had fun. I truly do enjoy the 21+ lounges, cuz it's not as crazy and crunk as the clubs I've been frequenting lately. I know I'll be back there again, and I'll really dance once this ailment is healed. Then I'll end up ruining the whole stushy vibe cuz I dutty wined my new and Improved weave off…lol.

The hardest part…

Don't know what to think right now.

I'm sitting at my computer at 12 a.m. in the morning, and I don't know what to think. These are the times that I usually pray. So much is happening all at once to so many people, including me. It's hard to think and place my thoughts on one person alone. I love my friends to a fault. I worry and pray for them more than myself. It's my number one attribute and fault that I have. I can't sleep, and I need to be up early to go to the hospital tomorrow to fix this stupid problem that came back to haunt me, but I keep worrying about the sanity and happiness of my friends around me. There's something about moving out of my dorm that makes me detached from the rest of the world. I think the main reason I stay home so much, (besides trying to appease my mother) is so I could hideaway from everything. There something about being upset or depressed that makes people crawl into a dark hole. I'm not saying I'm depressed, just have a lot on my mind. Can't pin point which to think about, or which to solve.

I can't control myself.

I have to help people no matter what I'm going through. I gave a friend a huge dose of reality without knowing it. Ruined the very Idea he looked forward to the majority of his college career…and I opened my big mouth and told the truth. I didn't even realize what my answer would do until I heard the rest of his story…Whoever said that 'truth hurts' sucks major ass. Who said we wanted to know? Lol. Another friend needs a shoulder but doesn't even have ten minutes to lean because the schedule is so hectic. It almost feels like I'm Stretch-Armstrong, and the gooey stuff inside me is leaking out cuz I stretched myself in too many directions. It's not that I'm being pulled, It's that I'm worrying and wanting to put myself there, knowing damn well I have my own shit to deal with.

I use my friend's grief to avoid my own.

Making another person feel better makes my problem less important, and less…I guess…real? Maybe that's why there's a lot on my mind. Because I'm never solving these issues, and they keep coming back, piling on each time until I burst.

The only tangible thing I can do is Pray. Pray for their safety and well-being; Pray for their sanity, and happiness.

Something I said to myself once is becoming more and more evident now…The hardest part about growing up is getting up.